Slight diversion from my normal depressed rambles. Last friday one of my really good friends from the Honours year had a ticket to the Caberet festival thats on at the moment and his girlfriend couldn't go, so I got to go see this absolutely MAD band called VulgaGrad who play crazy Russian music, described as "vodka-fueled swing, ska, punk - gulag style". It was just soul-satisfyingly FUN and we had a couple of drinks and got up and danced with everyone and it was so much fun.
Otherwise, things have been rough. We are both just hoping deeply that things will be ok once I've submitted and he's finished his uni work and we can devote some time to the relationship. It would just be foolish to try and sort it out now. At least we both realise that.
With love,
Still Alive and Kicking...
17 years ago
6 comments:
A diversion is exactly what you need. We did the same this weekend: just got out of the house and had a drink at the pub. It was very welcome.
There are down days. But there can still be some great highs. The Camus quote you sent to me was lovely. I was actually looking for a particular one of his to post until I stumbled on the Lamott one. Camus was one of the most perceptive philosophers I have read.
Is your boyfriend willing to get help of sorts? Will he actually admit there is a problem yet? It took me ages to confess all. And still now, I can be extremely secretive. That's due to embarrassment. I genuinely hope that the two of you make it through and get to the end of this bloody thing. I realise it must be hell for you as I see the looks in Ian's eyes on a daily basis.
Glad to hear you had a lovely diversion. I miss British pubs - they were one of the best parts of my exchange a few years ago :D
Camus is amazing. the Lamott quote was beautiful though.
He will admit there is a problem. He has told about 3 of our good friends (mostly if they directly ask him about it). And thats mostly how we communicate about it to, he won't speak about it unless I ask a direct question: "What happened with X?" "How did that make you feel?".
He spoke to a counsellor at uni which was helpful until the counsellor told him there was no use continuing until he wanted to recover. He saw a doctor who told him he was 'ok'.
Its stupidly difficult, but I'm crossing all my fingers and toes we find a way through it, because on the good days he is the most amazing person I know.
It really is so evident that all of these wonderful amazing people suffering from this disorder do not worry so much about "getting fat" as they are simply going through this as a symptom of something more insidious going on. So sad that a child has to be deprived of the one thing that they need in order to grow into a healthy person, mentally. They then hold on to any optomism of the future, but due to that lack of affection, basic love and guidance on how to grow strong, healthy and happy, we then go and choose the most destructive partners. It is only then that we crumble, when the realization hits us that we will seemingly NEVER be happy. We survived a horrific childhood for this? Will it ever get better? And then when it does (he found you, Annie found Ian) the disorder has manifested itself so completely within your psyche, that it is no longer about weight, it is now something compulsive, and EXTREMELY difficult to overcome.
But I have faith, and know that the strength Annie and your boyfriend have to have had to overcome that horrific childhood WILL come through and get them over this horrible time.
Have faith, May. You are a good girl. I'm glad you had such a great weekend. You both deserve it. Your doing beautifully.
thanks karen for your words. it is just heartbreaking that this disease attacks the most beautiful people (inside and out).
My bf doesn't have a traumatic childhood of memories that has triggered it, more a series of events more recent to him. I think its just an extreme manifestation of his need to be in control of his life and its something he can ven when other things in his life don't work the way he wants them to.
Hello May. There is a blog I stumbled over which might be of some help to your boyfriend - http://zathynpriest.com/blog/. This guy is bulimic (very severely, too) and he talks about having an ED from the male perspective.
He also writes very, very well.
I hope this is of some help to you.
thanks annie for the link. much appreciated. I'll both read it and pass it on.
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