So having started off this blog, I haven't updated for a few days. Its a combination of two things really. Firstly that I'm a couple of weeks away from submitting my Honours thesis, and secondly - you know when things are just crap, you are thinking about them enough and its hard to get the motivation to write about it- thats how I've felt this week.
One of the things that upsets me most about my boyfriend's ED (and I can deal with a lot of rubbish) is the way it makes him with me. I've talked on Fishys before about how it can feel like there is a third person in the relationship. But its not even that mostly. Its that he turns inwards, and it feels like he forgets I'm here and I need attention and affection. Knowing something is true doesn't mean you don't need to feel it is true.
So that amongst other things has made home an icky place to be lately. I had been feeling like I was intruding in my own home. And I've been at uni sooooo much lately its easy just to stay later and later (and its not like I don't have the work to do!).
He emailed me on the weekend (which is a valid means of communication for us, because he can find it hard to find the words in a face-to-face conversation) and said it felt like I didn't love him anymore. It hurt a lot. But it was true that I had been subconciously avoiding home. I answered him, and then made him talk about it last night. ..
It was an awful conversation - I hate having confrontation in my relationship. But it is...better... now. Cleared the air a bit, and both sort of realised we are our own worst enemies in this. It was ridiculously, stupidly, wonderful when he touched me, just to put his arm around me while we went to sleep. I'd missed him, even though we are around each other all the time.
Of course I haven't told the whole conversation. There were lots of things, and things I have to work on too. Finding real time with him rather than just being around each other.
And while we talked about his eating it was ok that it wasn't the whole story for once.
Breathing space. At least for the next 17 days till submission. I have my fingers crossed it will all work out in the wash after I am less stressed and able to be around more.
Still Alive and Kicking...
17 years ago
5 comments:
May: I feel for you more than you can ever know. I behave to my darling husband the way your boyfriend is behaving to you - and it is abhorrent and I feel non-stop guilt.
The one and only thing I beg of you to remember is: IT'S NOT YOU.
This came out in my first therapy session today. That the pain and 'poison' (her words, not mine) are taken out on the person you love the most. Not out of malice, spite or hatred...just because you are so bloody eaten up that you desperately need to sound off and if someone loves you, unconditionally, they will take it and not 'do a runner'.
It's so paradoxical. And it must be so painful for you because I know it is for Ian. And it compounds the self-hatred.
A bloody nightmare for all.
Keep encouraging him to talk to you - even if it is by mail. That statement actually resonated with me! Ian has found it difficult in the past to get me to talk...but I can write until the cows come home, with honesty and depth.
If you or your boyfriend ever wanted to contact us, my email is on my profile.
Take care, my dear xx
Its such a crazy disease, it really is. What other disease pushes away, delibrately, the ones who care about you most?
I tell myself its not me often. And its ok. Its not him either and thats ok too.
He is a writer anyways, it is what he wants to do with his life, so writing is easier (but you know, boys and their feelings...!)
Thanks for the offer of contacting you, I might take it up, or offer it to my boyfriend.
Thanks annie.
If your boyfriend wants to be a writer, would he not consider getting down his thoughts on paper? Does he already do this? I have found it incredibly cathartic.
The very first time I wrote about my ED was for a Middle Eastern magazine. The piece was entitled Dying To Be Thin. It was amazingly cathartic, even though I wasn't 'suffering' at the time. But what I am writing now IS helping me way more (despite not being paid *tsk*!).
I think you are doing a grand job, lass. And he is lucky to have you and I bet he realises it, too - and maybe, you are lucky to have him? Perhaps you are the two pieces of the jigsaw puzzle fitting together.
I hope so.
And all my love to you BOTH x
This was a very sad read, mostly because as a woman, ED's are often overlooked and mistreated by the medical community. A man, I'm sure, would have an even harder time getting help. I do hope he finds help soon, and when he does, that he takes full advantage. Often times, it is the disorder that causes the behavior, but often times, it is also what caused the disorder that causes the behavior. the hard trick is to learn not to take any of it personally, as it wasn't you who is responsible for the disorder, or the behavior.
This is quite a messy thing, and my heart goes out to you AND to him. I'll be keeping a good thought for the both of you.
Annie: he does write in a blog of his own. which I can't read. (insert huge pause while I think of hte words I want to say here). i know its not 'helpful' in the way I want it to be if he's writing to people with EDs and he doesn't want to recover yet. and the fact its 'friends only' makes me wonder what he writes.but anyway. think of the positives - at least he talks to me about it in some capacity.
Karen - thanks for hte good thoughts. it is such a messy disease. there is nothing you can do though, except love them despite it all
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