a fragmented narrative

Vulgagrad

2008-10-06T16:38:00.002+10:00

Slight diversion from my normal depressed rambles. Last friday one of my really good friends from the Honours year had a ticket to the Caberet festival thats on at the moment and his girlfriend couldn't go, so I got to go see this absolutely MAD band called VulgaGrad who play crazy Russian music, described as "vodka-fueled swing, ska, punk - gulag style". It was just soul-satisfyingly FUN and we had a couple of drinks and got up and danced with everyone and it was so much fun.

Otherwise, things have been rough. We are both just hoping deeply that things will be ok once I've submitted and he's finished his uni work and we can devote some time to the relationship. It would just be foolish to try and sort it out now. At least we both realise that.

With love,

finding breathing space

2008-09-29T21:59:00.003+10:00

So having started off this blog, I haven't updated for a few days. Its a combination of two things really. Firstly that I'm a couple of weeks away from submitting my Honours thesis, and secondly - you know when things are just crap, you are thinking about them enough and its hard to get the motivation to write about it- thats how I've felt this week.

One of the things that upsets me most about my boyfriend's ED (and I can deal with a lot of rubbish) is the way it makes him with me. I've talked on Fishys before about how it can feel like there is a third person in the relationship. But its not even that mostly. Its that he turns inwards, and it feels like he forgets I'm here and I need attention and affection. Knowing something is true doesn't mean you don't need to feel it is true.

So that amongst other things has made home an icky place to be lately. I had been feeling like I was intruding in my own home. And I've been at uni sooooo much lately its easy just to stay later and later (and its not like I don't have the work to do!).

He emailed me on the weekend (which is a valid means of communication for us, because he can find it hard to find the words in a face-to-face conversation) and said it felt like I didn't love him anymore. It hurt a lot. But it was true that I had been subconciously avoiding home. I answered him, and then made him talk about it last night. ..

It was an awful conversation - I hate having confrontation in my relationship. But it is...better... now. Cleared the air a bit, and both sort of realised we are our own worst enemies in this. It was ridiculously, stupidly, wonderful when he touched me, just to put his arm around me while we went to sleep. I'd missed him, even though we are around each other all the time.

Of course I haven't told the whole conversation. There were lots of things, and things I have to work on too. Finding real time with him rather than just being around each other.

And while we talked about his eating it was ok that it wasn't the whole story for once.

Breathing space. At least for the next 17 days till submission. I have my fingers crossed it will all work out in the wash after I am less stressed and able to be around more.

beginnings of a sort

2008-09-24T17:31:00.000+10:00

I've started this blog for two reasons. Firstly, that I have been reading Annie's Rexia which is surpassingly strong and the trust I see there between her and her husband restores my faith in my ability to be that strong for my boyfriend. Secondly, that if I'm completely honest with myself I probably need a place to 'let it out', and although I have a journal I write in, sometimes its easier just to type it.

So as a preface, if anyone reads this, I don't mind what you think of what I have to say. Of course I appreciate supportive comments but mainly this is a place so I can let things go and not be so poisonous in my own relationship.

My boyfriend is anorexic. He has had 'anorexic' behaviour since before I started dating him (2 years ago) and it use to get worse and then less important. Probably about 3 years. Over the last year or so however it has gotten worse to the point where he admits it is anorexic behaviour rather than just 'strange eating' or something to that effect. Although I was 'suspicious' of his behaviour I discovered the extent of it by stumbling over his online blog. It shook me up. I'm sure I'll end up writing about that discovering another time, suffice to say I really didn't realise the extent of it and how much it was affecting him. Confronting him about it was terribley difficult, although since then we (I feel, and hope its true) talk a lot more about it.

I of course want him to recover. I want a healthy boyfriend. When I had first read this blog entry I wrote in my journal "I don't want to have to fight his ED for his attention and affection". Its still true. But leaving isn't really an option. I love him, and I love the person he is when we can get beyond his ED.

Earlier this year he went to see a counsellor which was 'helpful'. He even went to a doctor (which is a huge deal for him). The doctor did blood tests etc etc, all of which said he wasn't dramatically unhealthy (his numbers were at the 'low end' of the spectrum). Which was a double edge sword - I'm glad he was 'healthy', but in some ways I wanted shocking numbers that would show what he's doing to himself. He doesn't see the counsellor anymore. He was told they couldn't do anything more with him until he wanted to recover.

I have this debate in my head about 'healthy'. The numbers-based definition of EDs frustrates the hell out of me. If someone's head is telling them to eat less, if they feel they have eaten too much when their calorie intake is still below the recommended daily intake... then there is something intrinsically 'unhealthy' going on in their head.

Talking at Something Fishy is helpful. Having contact with other people who's loved ones are suffering is amazing. The strength of belief in their loved ones, their hope, their optimism (and when you are short of it, other people always beleive in it for you), is wonderful.

Well this might do as a first post, now I've ranted away into cyberspace.